I have been a long time user of Microsoft’s curvy keyboards. In fact I’ve probably owned every edition they’ve made. The latest black wireless one is the best I’ve ever used for both tactile feel, the wireless, and even the mouse. Clearly they hire smart people there, and those people make good keyboards.

But lately it seems, as few people must have slipped through a crack in that rigorous hiring process. Or perhaps the keyboard team discovered the crack, and smoked it instead of reporting it to the authorities. In any case, there is now a dirty word RIGHT ON ONE OF THE KEYS of said keyboard. It is right where the ‘F Lock’ key used to be.

A bit of history, remember those 4 tan colored function keys that used to be on the Vic-20? Well since then and no doubt before, every reasonable keyboard has shipped with function keys, and every respectable program uses most of them differently. Efforts at standardization have only been partly successful, as everyone’s idea of an important repetitive task is different. Especially if you smoke crack it seems. Create a whole lot of keyframes in a day? F6 makes sense. However F6 is now hard wired to ‘Forward Email’. What? How could you pick this!? Do these keyboard designers spend their whole day forwarding those little joke emails around to their buddies? Uhh… ok bad example, but other keys, like F3 to Open and F4 for Close are pretty stupid too. I’ve read that one of the telltale signs of crack use on the job is someone opening and closing programs repeatedly while neglecting a child.

From their lips:

Enhanced F-Key Functionality
Perform common tasks, like opening documents and replying to e-mail with the touch of a button. Or toggle between standard and enhanced F-key commands for even more flexibility.

“Even more flexibility”. Wow. I could just stop here and win, but I won’t. And I promise the swear word coming up, just hang in there.

You would think that perhaps replacing all your function keys with items pulled out of someone else’s ass might be made an optional benefit, but that isn’t the case this time. Each and every time your machine starts up, hibernates, or sleeps, the keyboard returns to the F-Lock state without so much as even an indicator light. And there doesn’t exist a setting to default to normal function keys on startup, period. And it isn’t just a matter of hitting that F-Lock key – there is also a verbal password you must say. I kid you not. And… it is ‘F**k in fact. Sorry, for the **, but this is a respectable blog – in fact maybe better said, ‘*uc*’. Hopefully the kiddies out there won’t put two and two together and damage their precious young minds.

Ok, where the fuck was I? Oh yeah, there is actually a verbal password, and it is the F word. At least I’ve never turned off F-Lock without saying that, and it always seems to work. I should try ‘shit’ once just to see, but I don’t want to screw up anything that’s working. Now Microsoft, to its credit, has always been quick to recognize a customer problem. People hated the paper clip, so they improved the animation. People hate Internet Explorer’s security issues so they added 300 new pop up warnings. People hated the hundred dollar price tag on Win98, so… well I digress. Clearly they’ve had complaints about the F-Lock, but they must have somehow thought the problem was people couldn’t remember the password. I say this because, and I’m not totally making this up here, every MS display keyboard I saw on a recent trip to Winnipeg had a F-word key where the FLock key used to be. I even took a photo:

I swear I didn’t have a pen (well, not the black felt ones you need for that anyway, besides I was in Carman at the time).

I wonder how many support calls they will have to answer before the F-Lock idea is revamped? 

“Hello, I’m hitting the Fuck button, but not getting any porn.”

“Hello, my browser just downloaded a virus and wiped out my hard drive, should I hit the Fuck button?”

“Hello, could I get a ‘Mange la Merde’ key instead for the French version of your keyboard?”

Ahh, Gandhi would be proud.